Showing posts with label Joystiq. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joystiq. Show all posts
World of Cheap Thrills
What's scarier than a haunted house? TWO HAUNTED HOUSES!
Rose Byrne, Patrick Wilson and their three young children have just moved into a big, old home. He's a teacher and she doesn't work, so immediately I assumed there was some deal with the devil to make the down payment, but this was just my mind playing tricks. The young baby does nothing but cry and one night the eldest sees something, makes a spooky face, then goes to sleep and NEVER WAKES UP.
He's not in a coma, he's just. . .in limbo. Rather than making the cover of the New England Journal of Medicine with this indescribable condition, they just send the kid home. And then the craziness starts.
I can't lie, the first few scares got my heart rate up. There are demonic sounds on the baby monitor and, even though I was thinking "here comes the scary part, here comes the scary part" when something finally jumped out, I yelped like a frightened puppy.
I can't recall seeing a movie that relied as heavily on loud, dissonant piano notes on the sound track as much as Insidious. Director James Wan (the first Saw movie and follow-up garbage he'd rather you not remember) either doesn't trust us or doesn't have the chops to allow creative framing or tense perspective shots to deliver the scares. Either way, I found I did most of my crying-out not because anything truly frightening was happening on screen, but because something REALLY LOUD JUST CRASHED IN MY EAR.
I certainly wasn't involved in the plot in any way, which is a shame, because I think a comotose, house-bound child is fertile soil from which a genuine horror film can grow. After Byrne sees enough weird visions she gets the family to relocate. The scares keep coming in house two, making us all wonder what the hell kind of realtor they're using.
There's a twist, of course, and a too-late attempt at humor in the form of some goofy ghost hunters. Once the "truth" is revealed, however, only the audience members willing to suspend their disbelief to the point they could wrap it around the circumference of Jupiter will keep from checking out.
So this is what's in store for you in Insidious: a real moronic supernatural horror film that exploitatively uses startling tactics to get in four or five decent jump scares. If you are a high school kid on a date, go see Insidious. If not, go take a run or finish that Dostoyevsky novel you keep putting off.
To SURIVIVE the Friday Night Death Slot
Friday Night can be a harsh mistress when it comes to our favorite shows, but what of those who survived?
Battlestar Galactica
Lifespan: 75 Episodes
As tends to be the case with cable, and especially the Sci-Fi channel (not SyFy), plenty of shows actually fare better in Friday nights than other time slots. This particularly proved true with the Battlestar Galactica re-make.
Of course, the absurdly gripping drama, visuals and storytelling might have had something to do with it as well. Plus, what else did Battlestar fans have to do on a Friday night?
Law and Order: SVU
Lifespan: 266 Episodes to date
Truly, it doesn't matter when you air Mariska Hargitay's attitude and Christopher Meloni's rugged looks. Viewers will follow.
Despite never quite eclipsing the popularity of the original Law and Order (and what could), SVU debuted on a Monday before making its way to Friday, and slowly building a bigger audience toward its move to Tuesdays after the fifth season.
Wonder Woman
Lifespan: 59 Episodes
Ever as much the super-strong Amazonian as her namesake, Wonder Woman first found success in the Friday timeslot on ABC before the move to CBS produced similar results.
Let's see you to better, David E. Kelley.
Monk
Lifespan: 125 Episodes
Monk began life on ABC before the network passed it off to NBC's USA network, where it maintained consistent viewership through at least season six, ending up on Fridays as as a lead-in for Psych, when the network began angling itself around quirky comedies.
Lifespan: 111 Episodes
Lasting for five seaons, our favorite sleeves rolled, violence against a pretty backdrop cops of Miami Vice moved to Fridays in its third season, and while struggling against soap opera Dallas in a competing timeslot, still lasted for two more amidst a host of other difficulties.
Stargate: Atlantis
Lifespan: 100 Episodes (does anyone else hear the Sonic "100 Rings" music whenever they read that?)
Successfully spinning off it's predecessor SG-1, Stargate: Atlantis never managed to surpass the initial ratings boom of its first episode, but still enjoyed a successful five seasons as a staple of Sci-Fi's Friday night lineup.
And despite the eventual failure of Stargate: Universe, movies for Atlantis are still in the pipeline.
Lifespan: 122 Episodes
Nash Bridges maintained strong ratings in the Friday timeslot, but faced steep competition in its sixth season from Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.
Despite the solid audience numbers however, the increasing costs got the better of the network, as Don Johnson had endured enough and the network was satisfied with reaching syndication.
Full House
Lifespan: 192 Episodes
Full House primarily retained its Friday timeslot from its beginning in 1987, though ABC occasionally bounced the show to Tuesdays, or even both days to aid in building audience.
After finding more success in its second season following Perfect Strangers, the show went on to become an early flagship of the TGIF lineup, eventually ending after eight seasons.
Numb3rs
Lifespan: 118 Episodes
Because who doesn't love David Krumholtz and Judd Hirsch?
CBS, on the money as usual, kept Numb3rs in a mostly consistent Friday timeslot, where through six seasons the series regularly maintained an average of about ten million viewers
Hangin' Out with Mr. Cooper
Lifespan: 101 Episodes
Created by the mind behind Full House (Michelle and Uncle Jesse even appeared once), Jeff Franklin, Hangin' With Mr. Cooper became yet another series to be given a boost by ABC's Friday night TGIF lineup.
The show lasted for five seasons and made it to syndication, despite the final 13 episodes airing on Summer Saturdays.
Psych
Lifespan: 79 Episodes and counting
A smart premise, talented cast, low costs and Monk's lead-in kept Sean and Gus continually aflush with good ratings and critical praise in their initial Friday timeslot, eventually graduating to Wednesdays following Monk's finale.
Keep it up, boys!
Lifespan: 160 Episodes
Ah, TGIF. The safest, warmest haven of all things Friday night family television. Step By Step enjoyed a rather lengthy run during the end-of-the-week lineup, but found itself moved to CBS for the final season, which like others preceded its ultimate cancellation.
Supernatural
Lifespan: 119 to date
Okay, we're risking the wrath of Hell by including this, but nothing a good Colt couldn't beat back. After five successful seasons in a Thursday timeslot, Supernatural joined Smallville on Friday nights, also with Sera Gamble taking over as show-runner.
Ratings, particularly with Smallville as a lead-in have remained mostly solid, but should the worst happen and the Winchester boys not merit a seventh season the journey here has been a devlishly good time.
Lifespan: 163 Episodes
ABC managed to work its TGIF magic for four seasons with Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, and sold the show to The WB for an additional three seasons after putting the TGIF brand to rest following Boy Meets World's cancellation.
Viewers eventually waned, but it's hard to deny the charm of seven seasons of Melissa Joan Hart.
Lifespan: 210 Episodes
It would seem, in fact, that everybody did love Raymond, if not at first.
The show debuted to low ratings in its initial Friday timeslot, but found salvation in Bill Cosby (because who hasn't?) as he requested the show be moved to Mondays as a lead-in for his own, enjoying mammoth success for its nine seasons and resulting syndication.
Lifespan: 53 Episodes and counting
Initially debuting on Tuesday, this quirky comedy about the sheriff of a town goverened by the advances of science and technology has gone on to become one of the Sci-Fi channel's most watched and critically acclaimed shows, moving its time to Fridays in the third season and continuing its brand of humor into a fourth to date.
The Brady Bunch
Lifespan: 117 Episodes
Believe it or not, The Brady Bunch never found much critical or commercial success in its five-year run, yet still survived in the Friday slot long enough to make a huge cultural impression.
More impressive still, The Bradys went on to grow in re-runs and syndications into the palpable, if campy franchise we remember today.
Family Matters
Lifespan: 215 Episodes
Despite how increasingly ridiculous plotlines became as Steve Urkel grew to dominate the series, the show found incredible success as a member of ABC's Friday TGIF lineup.
CBS eventually bought the show for its final season as a plan to revive ratings with their "Friday Night Block Party," but to little avail.
Smallville
Lifespan: 210 Episodes (217 by the finale)
Smallville's impressive lifespan rivals that of Superman himself, as floundering ratings toward the seventh and eighth seasons saw the shift to Friday nights.
Since the move, however, the series began to pick up steam with the addition of notable DC characters and guest stars, eventually granted enough life to sustain a ninth, and tenth season, given a graceful exit and transition into the Superman mythos.
Lifespan: From 1963, and still going!
Despite its cult status and extensive history, Doctor Who didn't really get going stateside until the Sci-Fi channel picked up the revival featuring the grittier 9th doctor in 2006.
Since then, the good Doctor has continued to find successful ratings (as do many of Sci-Fi's friday lineup) and a much stronger American following continued through the 10th, and 11th Doctors.
The Six Million-Dollar Man
Lifespan: 99 Episodes, with 6 TV movies
Adapted from the original Martin Caidin covel Cyborg, The Six Million Dollar Man debuted with three TV movies before finally finding re-animation in his own Friday-debuting series, which went on to incredible success over five seasons, while Hollywood continues to salivate with remake intentions to the day.
Las Vegas
Lifespan: 106 Episodes
Initially airing on Mondays, NBC successfully maneuvered Las Vegas into a Friday slot midway through its third season. The show made it to a fifth based mostly on its strong fanbase, extensive celebrity guest stars, and the network's previous tendency to re-air episodes on Friday anyway.
Boy Meets World
Lifespan: 158 Episodes
The lynchpin of ABC's TGIF (Thank Goodness It's Friday) lineup from 1993-2000, the show proved one of the rare subversions to the wasteland of Friday television and brought forth the network's unprecedented popularity at a time of struggle.
So too when the show ended in 2000, did ABC retire the TGIF block. We'll miss you, Mr. Feeny.
Stargate: SG-1
Lifespan: 214 Episodes
Boy, the shows that can quietly coast by on the Sci-Fi channel without you ever realizing it.
Few might remember that Stargate SG-1 ran for its first five seasons on Showtime with a Sunday timeslot, before the network realized they couldn't bring new viewers with the show in syndication and Sci-Fi picked up the rights. Initially positioned before Farscape, the series went on to universal success with the network's Friday lineup (aided by previous reruns on Monday), and continued almost to the point of an eleventh season.
Even then, reunions and additional films continue to languish in possibility.
Lifespan: 601 Episodes and Counting!
Smackdown initially debuted on Thursdays against WCW Thunder, but found a much larger following after the move to Friday nights and the CW, from UPN, moreso than most of the sitcoms aired!
2008 saw a fall from The CW to MyNetwork TV, eventually landing on SyFy. Still, SyFy exists under NBC, and thus Smackdown finds itself advertised and available on USA as well!
The Incredible Hulk
Lifespan: 82 Episodes
Beginning a long trend of CBS's success with Friday night programming, The Incredible Hulk found strong ratings as a lead in for both The Dukes of Hazzard and Dallas, and continued beyond its fifth season with several TV movies.
Okay, I'll say it. HULK SMASH FRIDAY NIGHT DEATH SLOT!
Friday Night Lights
Lifespan: 76 Episodes
Clearly, we must put Friday Night Lights on Friday nights! It writes itself, death slot or no!
Friday Night Lights never sustained the highest of ratings during its run despite critical acclaim, though the move to Friday made for a gimmicky sort of sense that kept viewer interest up long enough to run through five seasons.
Interestingly, one could chalk up low Friday ratings to its audience actually being out supporting their school's Friday football.
The Dukes of Hazzard
Lifespan: 145 Episodes
Running (driving?) from 1979 to 1985, the good old boys had themselves a huge hit with CBS' friday night lineup, taking the timeslot just before Dallas.
We continue to remember the Dukes today, whether through servicable remakes, reunion specials, or just a good old fashioned pair of short shorts.
Dallas
Lifespan: 357 Episodes
Dallas initially began its run on Saturdays before eventually making its way into a Sunday timeslot, and finally settling on Fridays, if alternating between 9 and 10.
Still, with the notorious popularity and length of soap operas, CBS had little trouble keeping Dallas in dirty business on Fridays, and lord knows the upcoming re-make will fare if given the same slot.
The X-Files
Lifespan: 202 Episodes
Please, can you think of any better to break the stigma associated with Friday nights? The X-Files provided a shining beacon of hope for Friday night (particularly with Fox), as TV Guide described that members of the younger demographic would often watch the show prior to heading out (though this had the downturn of killing most shows paired with it.)
Eventually The X-Files moved to Sunday, and...well...we all know what happened after that.
Deleted Scene From Mega mind Lays on the Guilt
Tina Fey socks it to Will Ferrell in this deleted scene from Dream works Animation's Mega mind.
This sequence from Megamind shows TV reporter Roxanne Ritchie (Tina Fey) really sockin' it to Will Ferrell's Megamind for slaying Brad Pitt's Metro Man.
I won't lie and call this a laugh riot, or even all that visually appealing, but for we obssessive completests out there, you need to watch this or you'll know, for the rest of your life, there's a part of Megamind you didn't see and it will drive you crazy.
NPC Characters
In our quietest hours, these are the companions we promise God we will attend church every weekend for if only he will make them come to life.
Epona (Legend of Zelda series)
I’ve been afraid of horses since I was a little girl, when the pony I was riding ran under a pine tree. I went through it, giving me significant Christmas sores and permanent equine trauma. I might be convinced to saddle up on Epona, Link’s lady horse in the Legend of Zelda series. She is easily the best horse in all of gamedom, handily besting Shadow of the Colossus’ Agro.
Dog (Fable series)
He’s not the first video game dog sidekick. Way back in NetHack, for example, we had a canine companion, represented by a sensible lower-case d. Your dog in the Fable series just takes it to a new level. He’ll fight for you, help you pick up ladies, and perform all manner of trickery at the whim of a button press. If he were to come alive and need a home, he could probably make up for what my ten pound Schnoodle lacks, as the only buried treasure she finds is invariably of the fecal or deceased baby bird variety.
Bentley (Sly Cooper series)
Bentley the turtle is part of Sly Cooper’s band of thieves, which also includes hippopotamus Murray. A wheelchair-bound, asthmatic orphan, Bentley doesn’t want anyone’s sympathy: he is an unmitigated badass, tech genius, and stud in a half-shell. Despite originally fearing that no girl would want anything to do with a guy in a wheelchair, Bentley finds a love interest in Penelope the mouse
Cranky Kong (Donkey Kong Country series)
Cranky Kong is supposed to be the original Donkey Kong, now the crotchety grandfather or father to the Donkey Kong of Donkey Kong Country. Stopping by Cranky’s Cabin is an invitation to be swatted about the head and neck with a cane. And yet, we were happy to see the old bastard again in Donkey Kong Country Returns, making acidic remarks and selling us things. You’ve got to cut the guy some slack, though: he is perpetually haunted by the ghost of his afghan-wrapped, scrapbooking wife, Wrinkly.
Bonnie MacFarlane (Red Dead Redemption)
Not to be confused with comedienne Bonnie McFarlane, Red Dead Redemption’s Bonnie MacFarlane is one of your strongest allies in the West. Bonnie helps her father run his ranch and proves to be as capable a farmhand as any man. She’s tough without being shrewish and pretty without fulfilling that skanky game girl stereotype. This is incredibly rare in this industry. When she got in some trouble, I rode hard to rescue her. If history does her justice, she will go down as one of the great game characters of all time.
Kitten (Shenmue)
Can you walk away from this snugglepuss? What about if I told you you find him in a box? And also his mother was killed by a car? Please, take the time to give tummy raspberries to your computer screen. You can feed the kitten tuna in Dreamcast classic Shenmue, but you never really get to see his story develop or his kitten life achieve true fulfillment. He may not be as tough or confident as some of the other NPCs on this list, but he is the most deserving of your friendship.
Candy Suxxx (GTA Vice City)
We want to hang out with '80s porn star Candy Suxxx (voiced by Jenna Jameson), but not for the reasons you might suspect. We here at UGO have enough bed trouble thanks to the swarm of American flag bikini-clad blog nymphs hurling their shapely bodies at our guarded office doors (we do have to get some work done, sometimes). No, we want to spend time with Candy Suxxx because according to game lore, she eventually becomes an educator and philanthropist. Depriving paying customers of that tremendous polygonal rack is a crime that needs to be rectified.
Superfly Johnson (Daikatana)
Superfly Johnson, the offensive black stereotype and one of your companions in heaping stink failure Daikatana (the other being an offensive female Asian stereotype who replaces R’s with L’s), continually invites you to “Suck it down” in the year 2455 AD. In the year 2011, he could probably reboot the rich Shaft franchise for the second time
Fawkes would’ve been our best friend in high school, as we too felt like highly literate super-mutants. He could beat up the football team for us with his Gatling Laser, give us a piggy-back ride to the malt shop, and snarl at the librarian when she makes her comments about us checking out too many books. His skin coating appears that it would also make a delicious poultry baste, which makes him a serious candidate for best friend of all time.
Daxter (Jak and Daxter series)
He’s obnoxious in a Gilbert Gottfried kind of way, but we can’t help but love Jak’s ottsel sidekick. Is it the terrible pick-up lines? The jokes that fall flat? All the talk about not wearing pants? You either love or hate Daxter, but you will feel strongly about him as a sidekick (or as the protagonist of his own PSP game). Also, please allow me to take this moment once again to beg Naughty Dog to get to work on a Jak and Daxter reboot after Uncharted 3 goes gold. I’m not above violent, childish hysterics, if that’s what this is going to take.
Pigsy (Enslaved)
Pigsy is a playable character in the Pigsy’s Perfect 10 DLC, but towards the end of Enslaved proper, he becomes your mud-bellied AI companion. Critics were overly harsh on this game, which you need to play if you were dissuaded this fall by crotchety reviewers who didn’t give the original title the props it deserves. Pigsy is one of the most original characters to come out in many moons of industry regurgitation, a cross between a human swine and that one uncle on your dad’s side of the family. As a real-life pal, he could help us hunt for truffles (also the name of his robotic pal) which we could then sell to stupid urban foodies, and make us look super sexy and employed by comparison.
Assassin droid HK-47 hates filthy meatbags, but we’re willing to put up with the abuse because he is sickly awesome. He was originally built for Sith Lord Darth Revan, but he can be yours thanks to his erased memory. He can’t shake his murderous inclinations, though, which come across in his sarcastic, witty banter. Mercifully, he will be reappearing in the upcoming Star Wars: The Old Republic MMO, allowing me to justify yet another summer of porcelain skin and atrophied muscles.
Adoring Fan is a nubile male elf from Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. After you become Grand Champion of the Arena, he runs up to you and begs to follow your around, offering his shoe-shining and backrub services in exchange for the honor of your presence. He will actually follow you around until you ask him to go away, or death parts your ways. If he dies, he reappears at the Arena and asks to follow you around again. Naturally, the best thing about having Adoring Fan around is slaughtering him at every opportunity.
If you didn’t buy Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros’ Treasure when it came out for the Wii in 2007, you are part of the problem. Don’t come crying to me about the lack of original games published when you failed to support Zack and his adorable gilded monkey sidekick Wiki in their point-and-click puzzle-solving pirate adventure which, though I admit it is tempting with the monkeys and the islands and all, should not be confused with the Monkey Island games.
Little Gray (MGS4)
Provided I could get him to stay in a leash and do my bidding without fuss, Metal Gear Solid 4’s Little Gray would be the ultimate monkey companion. I could get away with taking him everywhere. If anyone asked me to not take my monkey inside the Wal-Mart, I would act horribly offended at what the vested greeter called my young child, who is suffering from some rare disease I will think of a scientific-sounding name for. No one would ever hassle us again for fear of lawsuits and we would get free silver diapers for him and stuff from the bakery for me. Also, the little guy loves energy drinks and cigarettes, and he could use my mothering to direct him towards a healthier lifestyle, which includes Diet Dr. Pepper and typing and gaming all day.