The Coolest Beach Toys
If you're going to the beach this Summer be sure to bring along the coolest beach toys for extra fun in the sun.
Batman Beach Towel
You can't hit up the beach without a towel – what would Ford Prefect think? But, instead of just grabbing one from the linen closet and dealing with the inevitable shitstorm that ensues when your lady finds out you got sand on the guest towels, consider getting a big piece of cloth emblazoned with one of your favorite comic book characters. Unless you want all the other nerds to call you a poser, don't opt for a recent one, instead go vintage with something that your grandfather might have used if he hadn't been so busy out getting laid.
Koozies serve a dual purpose. Not only do they keep our drinks warm, but they also help us skirt open container laws. This particular koozie, of legendary WCW wrestler Sting, actually has a third purpose: it be used as a coin bank. The only thing that would make it better, or at least more thematically fitting, was if it made use of Sting’s surfer gimmick instead of his Crow one.
Sure, you could always just get a regular old inner tube. Or, could throw caution to the wind by getting in the ocean without a trusty floatation device. But look at this thing! Why wouldn’t you want an inflatable version of the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs? We’re hoping that greased up little moppet isn’t included.
Does anyone actually like playing with paddle ball sets? If I wanted to do something pointless, mind-numbingly dull and way too difficult, I wouldn’t have taken time off work in the first place. Beach paddle ball exists for people too young, prudish or stupid to just sit down on the beach and drink like a normal person. But, since some of those undesirables might be around, you may as well have a set with Spider-Man on it.
AM/FM Cooler Bag
Speaking of drinking on the beach, you have to keep your beverages cold somehow, right? What better way to do it than with a cooler that doubles as a AM/FM radio. That way, you can get drunk while annoying everyone around you with scratchy versions of Katy Perry songs and reminding them why no one listens to the radio anymore.
If you find yourself with extra room in that cooler bag, consider filling in the edges with some oddly colored ice cream bars with the graven images of wrestlers on them. Of course, you’ll also need a time machine, as these things haven’t been available for years. Although, if CM Punk has his way, you might be seeing them again sooner rather than later. Don’t expect rum raisin flavor though.
It’s always a good idea to have something to read on the beach. Instead of anything by Stieg Larsson, Dan Brown, Stephanie Meyer or Charlaine Harris, however, how about diving into a more well-written piece of literature? Namely, the Marvel Comics swimsuit issues. You should probably be able to find them in a comic book dollar bin somewhere, but be careful, as you will never, ever get the image of the Punisher in his bathing suit out of your head.
Of course, no one wants to look like a nerd on the beach. So, if you’re going to be reading, you should also probably be all jacked up. That’s why you need Ever-lasting Health and Strength, the legendary tome by Charles Atlas. The next time someone calls you a bag of bones, you’ll be able to kick the ever-loving crap out of them, thanks to Atlas’ secrets of Dynamic Tension.
Not all of us have time to commit ourselves to the antiquated exercise routines of “The World’s Most Perfectly Developed Man.” So, it might be a better idea to just threaten away all those beach bullies. Lug around this beach umbrella, designed to look like a samurai sword and no one will want to mess with you, up until they realize you’re the kind of weirdo who buys umbrellas that look like samurai swords.
Kiss Frisbee
Here’s what we’re talking about: a beach toy that’s actually fun to play with. What makes this particular flying disc even better is that it bears the visages of Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley and those other two guys. This toy gives you the look, feel and aesthetic of Kiss without any of the cheesy, party-rock anthems. It’s win/win.
Road Warrior Vest Pads
You might be asking yourself, “self, on my next visit to the beach, why on earth would I need a set of Road Warrior vest pads and bracelets, designed to match those worn by the legendary tag team of Hawk and Animal?” The answer of course, is that there’s no hang that would not be made more awesome with the addition of spiked shoulder pads, and that certainly includes beach hangs.