Voice Of Post

Do you know where Osama bin Laden would be if the U.S. had access to a Laser Cannon? Being alternately kicked in the balls by Sasha and Malia Obama, that's where. We could've totally taken him alive if only the sexy weaponry we first saw in The Original Series actually existed. Also, these fit my sedentary lifestyle way better than lightsabers. Just saying.

Star Trek predicted that in the distant future, we'd be able to carry around PADDs (Personal Access Display Devices), rectangular-shaped handheld computers with large touchscreen displays that could access libraries of information. The magics of science fiction! What will they think of next?

Kindles and Nooks are all great and whatever, but the hardware still has one fatal flaw: they require reading. Wouldn't you much rather participate in a holonovel, in which you can inhabit any character you want in the midst of the story? It's like really real virtual reality, except you can accidentally die in it.  On the plus side, it did lead to Patrick Stewart firing a tommy gun, and we all like that.

William Shatner worked really hard IRL to get the hopefully universally-spoken language  Esperanto off the ground, but it didn't quite work out. It's okay, big guy. Someday we'll get the Universal Translator if your video prophecies come true. I could definitely put the device, which translates alien and foreign languages into the owner's native tongue, to good use translating dirty Japanese video games.

The Sonic Shower is a great alternative to that bathing machine in The Jetsons that we all wanted but were afraid would accidentally scrub our genitals off. Instead of getting wet or putting forth any scrubbing effort, you just had to stand there and let sonic pulse vibrations get rid of the stank on you. As easy as it was, I'm sure there were still dorks on the ship who spent all day on the Holodeck and couldn't be bothered to even stand inside of the sonic shower for two seconds.

How awesome would it be to have Geordi La Forge's VISOR (Visual Instrument and Sensory Organ Replacement) device to grant sight to those without it in a stylish manner? Then the blind and sighted alike can spend their days watching crappy internet videos.

The Cenotaph is a device the Vhnori use to spiritually catapult their dead people into the afterlife. Though it didn't seem like it actually fulfilled its purpose when it was shown in Voyager, it would be nice to have a guarantee on that whole life-after-death thing.

Those Invisible Fence collar zappers are inhumane for dogs, and not very effective on humans. If we could get our hands on the Collars of Obedience used by master thrall Galt in The Original Series, we could collar our loved ones and inflict them with excruciating pain should they not fully conform to our demands and/or fight for our amusement.

The Weather Modification Network is pretty self-explanatory. Basically, it keeps a planet's crazy weather in check, dissipating potentially deadly tornadoes and such. It's also good for turning a crappy, rainy day into a beautiful seventy-three-degree weather spring day.

In one of the best worst episodes of Star Trek that ever was, Dr. Crusher is visited by an erotic 17th Century ghost who engages her in semi-consensual sex. Also, he used to be her grandmother's lover, but who's keeping track? Unfortunately, it turns out that it's not a ghost, but a weird-ass alien lifeform that uses dead bodies as hosts, or something. Still, they have ghost sex technology, and I want it.

A Replicator can make any kind of food you want out of dematerialized matter. When you've got leftovers, it breaks those apart and uses the material to build new food in the future. Supposedly some people can taste the difference between replicated food and real food, but I killed off my most sensitive taste buds long ago with cigarettes and Hamburger Helper.

Sorry, teenage readers, you're total pains in the ass to everyone but each other. If only the Borg would hurry up and visit us, we could throw you all in the maturation chamber until you reached adulthood and were ready to serve our Collective as upstanding members of society who didn't talk during movies or think you were the first people to ever invent stealing menus from Perkins.

In the 24th Century, Native Americans will rely on Akoonahs instead of days of forest-starvation to embark on vision quests and speak to their ancestors. Look, do you know how the Native people will seek their animal guides on spaceships in the future? Then don't judge. Plus, I'd sure like to say hi to Abraham Lincoln and find out if he really was gay like they say.

Despite his ruffled shirt, upturned mustache, single bauble earring, apparent chest hair perm, and flopsy cap, Harcourt Fenton Mudd loved the ladies. He loved them so much that he used an illegal drug that made hideous broads beautiful to sell them to unsuspecting miners on Rigel XII. We sure wish we could use some of these drugs on our women, am I right, fellas? On everyone except for you, that is, sweetheart. You're perfect the way you are.

The Cultural Observation Post is a sort of duck blind, or a completely camouflaged station in which observers can watch species completely unnoticed. Just think of all the practical uses an invisible, holograph-masked observation station could have nowadays. Now get rid of all the dirty ones. You're left with kittens! Kittens play so cute when they don't think you're watching.

The Aquatic Support Apparatus, as seen in The Animated Series, allowed water-breathing species to come on land. Basically a helmet filled with water, it's the opposite of scuba gear. Naturally, this would be an awesome way for us to meet creatures like mermaids and SpongeBob Squarepants.

Levitation Boots are just what they sound like. Able to carry up to 600 pounds (yes!), Levitation Boots work like jet packs for your footsies to propel you to great heights and hover in mid-air. Unfortunately, even these couldn't have prevented the Lakers from choking in the playoffs.

The Android Duplicator is a machine seen in The Original Series episode "What Are Little Girls Made Of?" (hint: neither sugar nor spice). Invented by an ancient subterranean race, the Android Duplicator can take a human being and make an identical android out of him or her. If you can't see how having an identical android version of yourself to take your tests for you, go to jail for you, and maybe make out with you just to see what it would be like is completely awesome, you are cold as Vulcan ice, friend.

Forget traditional methods of study. Put on this alien thinking cap, and an insane amount of knowledge will be imparted to you automatically. Trouble is, you forget whatever you learned in about three hours. That's still plenty of time to ace a job interview, get a perfect SAT score, or impress an MIT student into the sack.

An obvious one that still needs mentioning, warp drive is awesome in and of itself for allowing interstellar travel. As an added bonus, developing a warp drive means that a planet is ready to be introduced to the rest of the universe, according to the laws of the Prime Directive. Basically, warp drive = meeting aliens.

Man, walking. It's painful. I'd much prefer flopping into a Transporter, then rematerializing in the kitchen to grab that fistful of Moon Pie. Plus, you know, it'd be fun to visit the other side of the world in mere seconds, but I'm in this right now for more practical concerns.

Sympathetic Magic is basically voodoo that works through actual science. If you possess an image or model of someone or something, like this model ship shown here, Sympathetic Magic lets you affect that real world thing by manipulating its representation. For example, in TOS, bad guys passed a replica of the Enterprise through a flame, causing the real ship to heat up to dangerous temperatures. I can think of a million applications for this technology. All of them are evil except one, which is petting baby tiger cubs without the mom being able to bite you.

The Flux Capacitor was an infrequently mentioned device used by Starfleet ships to make them go extra fast and Star Trek writers to make a nod to another awesome franchise. What's so great about added speed that it makes this better than, say, the Warp Drive? If the Flux Capacitor were to exist, it would not only make Star Trek space travel possible, it would make all of the events ofBack to the Future, including DeLorean-based time travel, possible as well. That's the kind of crossover power you just can't even conceptualize of.