New NYC Cafe Owner
New NYC Cafe Owner, The media mogul not only endured many unprintable put-downs from fellow roasters, including Kevin Hart, Snoop Dogg and Jeffrey Ross. But she full-on nailed the most memorable roast of the night, giving Justin Bieber prison tips for his “inevitable” turn in the slammer.
We all know that Stewart was released from a five-month stint in a West Virginia prison nearly 10 years ago. Even if the place was dubbed “Camp Cupcake,” she had big respect on the stage.
“I’ve been in lock up. Justin, you would not last a week. So pay attention,” Stewart warned, before detailing a hilarious prison guide surely never to be found in one of her magazines.
“The first think you’ll need is a shank. I made mine from a comb and a pack of gum. I’ll show you how later. It’s so simple. I found Bubblicious works best and it’s so much fun to say. You see, when I did my stretch, all the hood rats on my cell block wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart’s ass. I decided some b—- needed to be got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull dyke and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones.”
Then she turned onto fellow roaster Shaquille O’Neal, and nailed him with a side-shot, sending him into a fit of pained laughter.
“Shaq I hope your Mom doesn’t hold a grudge.”
Then it was back to Bieber and prison advice.
“Justin, you have no idea what you’re in for. I’m sure it’s great to have 60 millions followers on Twitter. But the only place people will be following you in prison will be into the shower.”
“You have an owl on your arm and the word ‘patience’ on your neck. I would suggest the words ‘White power’ so you don’t look like some 14-year-old girl’s Trapper Keeper.”
Stewart brought it all to a staggering, self-deprecating finale with a business/love pitch to the Biebs, 52 years her junior.
“Settle down, bring some balance into your life. Find yourself the right gal. She’ll have to be very special. She’ll have to be someone on your level, powerful and famous and rich. Someone you can smoke a joint with or indulge in the occasional three way. I’m talking about a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom. So Justin, call me.”The place just went nuts. If there could have been a Roast MVP, Stewart would have walked off the stage with a trophy. Even comedian and tested roast veteran Natasha Leggero gave big respect backstage when asked who her favorite roaster was. Her answer was instant.
We all know that Stewart was released from a five-month stint in a West Virginia prison nearly 10 years ago. Even if the place was dubbed “Camp Cupcake,” she had big respect on the stage.
“I’ve been in lock up. Justin, you would not last a week. So pay attention,” Stewart warned, before detailing a hilarious prison guide surely never to be found in one of her magazines.
“The first think you’ll need is a shank. I made mine from a comb and a pack of gum. I’ll show you how later. It’s so simple. I found Bubblicious works best and it’s so much fun to say. You see, when I did my stretch, all the hood rats on my cell block wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart’s ass. I decided some b—- needed to be got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull dyke and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones.”
Then she turned onto fellow roaster Shaquille O’Neal, and nailed him with a side-shot, sending him into a fit of pained laughter.
“Shaq I hope your Mom doesn’t hold a grudge.”
Then it was back to Bieber and prison advice.
“Justin, you have no idea what you’re in for. I’m sure it’s great to have 60 millions followers on Twitter. But the only place people will be following you in prison will be into the shower.”
“You have an owl on your arm and the word ‘patience’ on your neck. I would suggest the words ‘White power’ so you don’t look like some 14-year-old girl’s Trapper Keeper.”
Stewart brought it all to a staggering, self-deprecating finale with a business/love pitch to the Biebs, 52 years her junior.
“Settle down, bring some balance into your life. Find yourself the right gal. She’ll have to be very special. She’ll have to be someone on your level, powerful and famous and rich. Someone you can smoke a joint with or indulge in the occasional three way. I’m talking about a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom. So Justin, call me.”The place just went nuts. If there could have been a Roast MVP, Stewart would have walked off the stage with a trophy. Even comedian and tested roast veteran Natasha Leggero gave big respect backstage when asked who her favorite roaster was. Her answer was instant.
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New NYC Cafe Owner
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